Flood of contradictions
by Trapped-in-your-asylum
Summary: "Neku, he's sick.I hated it- how he would stop when he went to the murals- how his eyes would grow and empty and focused at the same time- like he could no longer see me. Like I was never there- that I had no longer mattered. I hated how he fixated his sad look at the Hachiko statue when we all met. I hated how he had shown more emotion there than when he was with me!" Josh x Neku.
1. Chapter 1

Flood of emotions

Pairings: Joshua x Neku, Shiki x Neku, some Shiki x Beat

Warnings: eventual boy's love, angst, confusion

Disclaimer: I do not own twewy

Summary : bile raises up his throat as he sunk back to his safe shell.

The snow rippled down mercilessly- smashing gently to the concrete, coagulating to form a soft mountain of a road in the scramble crossing. Neku could literally saw his breath as he walked across the road, he had never liked the cold- hugging his jacket-covered body protectively, he could see that even three layers of coats had not prevented the chill from penetrating his skinny bone. Let's just hope he won't get a flu, or worse- a pneumonia- he cringed as he remembered how he had stayed home for nearly a weak the last time he had forgotten to bring an umbrella during a storm.

Although he made it a point to not wear his headphones as often as he could, they had helped to cover his sensitive ears and music does helped to distract the trembling in his body- so he kept them in his head. It was Christmas night- Shiki had asked them to come to her house for a dinner- in his bulging pocket he had kept his gifts. One of them was for Shiki- it was a ring. He couldn't wait to see the blush in her pretty face. Shiki had been born on Christmas, so the gift won't be too ostentatious for a birthday present. They had started going out since the day the game started- Shiki had confessed to him soon after their third meeting in Hachiko- the day she blushed and stuttered that she loved him. He had blushed too- surely it had been obvious that he had cared for her- but such a romantic affection from her had been unexpected. Sure, they had come to near understanding after the first game and that it was no secret that Shiki had been Neku's entrance fee. But was it truly love that had prompted him to make her the entrance fee? Or was it compulsion out of the fact that Neku had no memories to recollect other person who might have been important to him?

_It's useless to think about it. You have accepted her confession; any second thoughts would be an insult to her._ Both of them had their first kiss when he had escorted her to the train after their usual hang-out. It was a sloppy kiss, mismatched lips crushing towards the other- Shiki had blushed furiously as she had initiated it with surprising bravery, her glasses touching his nose as their lips met. Her lip was wet and soft- laced with apple-lip gloss. Looking at Shiki's back when she had ran away, not daring to look at him, and the next time they met, they just sat awkwardly enough for Rhyme to notice and Beat to tease.

Truth be told, Neku liked the warmth that Shiki's lip provided for his, but he could not muster any passion to continue or deepen the kiss further. _It could have been wrong._

Shiki lived in a decent neighborhood, her house was medium sized but very neat and very tastefully arranged. Neku had the decency to knock and the door was opened by a flustered Beat- who is blushing furiously and sweaty down his neck. _Just what exactly happened there?_

"A-ah, Phones!" Beat managed, in his gasps, his voice throaty and nervous. "You're late! We have been expecting you." He looked funny in formal attire, it was as if he was looking at a different Beat, he was wearing a suit and all- his hair cropped up neatly.

Neku decided to brush off his suspicions while he entered the house cordially, placing his shoes neatly in the rack, and mumbling, "Excuse me," as he entered his girlfriend's house. It was a two-floor house, judging from the place, the party would be held on the dining room. He had heard noise from them.

"Neku!" Rhyme bobbed his head, greeting him, her sweet smile intact as she went to hug him- she was wearing a small floral dress with sakura pattern that looked splendid on her petite structure. The little girl had been particularly fond of him for some reason- unlike her brother- she had been wiser and somewhat more reasonable. Neku found himself smiling too as he greeted Rhyme.

"Where's Shiki?" He found himself asking- he would like to see her smile as he would give her the ring that was growing heavier in his pocket.

"At the kitchen with Eri." Rhyme answered, a beat too late, she looked uncomfortable.

The two best friends had gotten together again after the game- it was to be expected, with the fact that both of them had cared for each other deeply, they understand each other perfectly, _Just like him and… No, _he had tried to forget that name. It would ruin the whole splendid dinner time.

He sauntered off the kitchen- wanting to catch Shiki by surprise and hugged her from behind, but he heard noises from the kitchen.

"Don't tell me, Shiki-" It was Eri's voice, sounding horrified, "You and Beat- but- Neku?"

The chunk of the words was so weird but he decided to listen since it had clearly something to do with him.

"I can't help it, Eri. Neku- he, he never kissed me first. The time it took all my courage to initiate it- he had stood still as a stone. Not even a single effort to chase me. I'm not even sure he loved me." Shiki's voice was full of grief, she was sobbing.

"Sssh." Eri held Shiki as she consoled her friend.

"Be-beat." Shiki started, gulping some air before she restarted, Neku felt like a participant in some bad movie. He felt nauseated. "He- he loves me. He wanted to help me. He actually want to kiss me- and it was all too much, I loved Neku, but he never loves me. What else should I do, Eri?"

"Its not your fault, Shiki. Hush now. Its not your fauly" Eri took Shiki's side. Neku's still trying to process what has happened. Was Shiki cheating on him- it had appeared so, by the course of the conversation. The ring in his pocket was the first thing that strikes his mind. Neku suddenly felt like laughing aloud in his foolishness- at the bitterness of the anger and whatever he had thought.

"Neku, he's sick." Shiki added, vehemently. "I hated it- how he would stop when he went to the murals- how his eyes would grow and empty and focused at the same time- like he could no longer see me. Like I was never there- that I had no longer mattered. I hated how he fixated his sad look at the Hachiko statue when we all met. I hated how he had shown more emotion there than when he was with me!"

Neku suddenly decided that he could no longer listen to this conversation. Bile was rising up his throat and he wanted nothing more than to puke and escape from this place. This was why he had been so antisocial- he was afraid of people. Of what they're thinking and their assumption of him. He covered his mouth to prevent himself from vomiting.

"Was there anyone else for Neku?" Eri had asked.

"I'd like to think there is not- but there are moments when his eyes would seem blank as if seeing another person in my presence. It's a ghost. Neku's in love with a ghost." Shiki had whispered. "I could not win against a ghost." Her sobbing had faded a bit, "Neku is abnormal- Eri, when I first met him I thought he could change for better- that he would act more normally as a healthy human being. But I could not change him, Eri. He's hopeless. You should have seen how he had blocked the world with that hideous headphones of his- he could not accept reality, he had ran from it like the coward he was." Shiki had spat the last word with contempt, all signs of sympathy gone from her voice.

Neku ran as fast as his legs could take him- dropping his box of present for Shiki and through the concerned Rhyme and the confused Beat. He ran down the streets, not knowing his destination. Anywhere as long as he would be far away from them. He doesn't think he could ever trust anyone else in his whole life.

_They are laughing at me, all of them, behind my back. Was that really how they had conceived me? _

_I hope they would just all die._

To be continued…

Author's note : Please read and review, tell me what you think of it and whether you would like me to continue it.


	2. Chapter 2

Flood of emotions

Pairings: Joshua x Neku, Shiki x Neku, some Shiki x Beat

Warnings: eventual boy's love, angst, confusion

Disclaimer: I do not own twewy

Summary : The broken bubble

Neku felt as if his whole life had been spent in living in an obscure bubble- the one fragile enough to break when it's popped. He was always afraid all along- lest the bubble pop and all those unknown things would come rushing in. His headphones had been to keep them away- holding away those torrents of emotions from breaking him up. He hated it- emotions, how people could make him laugh- makes him smile- make him cry. They would go in, they would tear it apart.

The bubble was broken now- not to be fixed again.

He felt like laughing as his body felt numb and his fingers kissing the snowy ground- his head resting against the concrete of the murals. So this is where he had gone at the end- the place where he felt he had belonged.

_I should have known it all along. They had all lied, behind my back. Nothing was left for me. _

His fingers traced absently through the murals behind his back- yes, this is where it had all started. All that pain and anguish, all the fun that had changed his world- all to be brought back in again and thrown mockingly on his face. He grits his lips- the soft trail of salty blood on his tongue makes him even more conscious of the pain. The game was all he had- the game was all he had and he lost it. Lost the friends he had trusted.

_They were speaking of me behind my back. They hated me. _

_Neku is sick, I hated him. He's abnormal; Shiki was the only one he had trusted; the one he would give his life for. His first partner._

Something in the back of his mind urged him to stop wishing- wishing for the one person he had wanted to meet. The one he had claimed to hate, his chest hot longing for the shove that had saved his life. The cold violet eyes that had pierced through him as it had gunned him down. His former partner whose hands had been so cold and warm at the same time, those violet eyes that had shone with compassion for a fleeting second that Neku fell.

"Josh!" He found his voice croaking, desperately, the name of the one ghost he had missed as he had missed the oxygen, his body needing it as it gasped for it- for life; his hoarse voice a mix of anger, grief and desperation. "Fuck you, Josh, kill me now, again!" Hot tears went down his cheeks, "I don't want to live anymore. I want all of it to end, if living is suffering… no," he laughed aloud, his hands wiping his eyes- red now with the cold and the bitterness of his anguish, "Josh- please-"

He had wailed aloud; as when he had he had returned to the Scramble Crossing- Joshua will not hear him. But it was all too much for him to bear.

"Neku," a voice whispered as a cold hand stroke his cheek gently. The voice was Joshua's, Joshua was standing before him.

Neku gasped in disbelief, _no, no it can't be, he never came. He doesn't care for me, he hates me. _But reality had a different image to show- Joshua stood before him- his voice contorted in pain and concerned about him, why did he come now- after so long that I had begged for him to come- after those nights I had longed for him to come? Neku felt himself touching Joshua's hand involuntarily- grasping for what he had missed for a long time. Those smooth hands and pink manicured fingers that had so often shoved him in his nightmares.

It really is Joshua.


	3. Chapter 3

_You don't understand, nobody understands. _

Neku fling his headset back to his head- his gaze indifferent and blank as he stared on the throngs of people, same people, same road, and same day. It was very funny, just a few months ago- he gets reality shoved down his throat, and the world really felt like it was ending. But now seeing the people continuing their usual routine- preoccupied with their own lives and jobs, he knew the world would go on as it is, with or without him.

How much can a month, a week, a day change his life? Back then he would scoff at it having changed so much, yet he now believes that it can change everything.

It took a simple month to make him accept humanity, and another month to reject it again.

His body brushes through lots of people as he walked across the scramble crossing- the men and women who are simply actors and actresses fulfilling their own roles, laughing and giggling even though they didn't mean it- getting angry and cry and be forgiven, for being weak, insecure and selfish. They were trapped in the same delusion he was in- yet worse than him, they thought it was real. As he did before.

Too caught up in their own subjective reality- we began to lose touch of what is important, that's where noise came from, the discordant dissonance in our hearts- and the conflict between our values and the world, Joshua once said.

_Joshua. _

He dreamed of Joshua. Once- on a Christmas night. Joshua was smiling- his face oddly gentle and charming, though Neku would never admit it to the man himself. Neku had once got the splash of reality- everything moving away from him and all of it disappearing. But after that- he met Joshua in the dream.

Guess that just proved how much he misses Joshua.

_Once upon a time- a prince came, riding a horse. A glistening white horse._

Joshua never stop to look at him, yet he was smiling.

That cold and wintery day, Neku was crying. And Joshua was smiling- the smile of a god who looks at his creation- his partner with pain.

_But the horse was nothing but a stolen horse- and the prince was not a prince. He only paraded as one._

_"Hey, Neku?" Joshua said, slipping his warm fingers to Neku's cold cheek. "You know the world would end with you, right?" In that dream, Neku felt very cold- his fingers getting frostbites and his body numb with the chill of the season, yet he did not care. He did not care- Joshua was with him, and that was the only thing that matters.  
_

_"I know." Neku smiled- his blue eyes glittering bitterly. "i know, Josh."  
_

_"Do you want to play the game, again?" Joshua said softly, his tone a bit mocking- yet his eyes did not speak of anything but gentleness. "Do you want me to kill you again?"  
_

_"I- I want-" Neku stopped, hesitating. What is it that he wants? Does he want to return to those days where he was still alone- does he want to return to those days where he's oblivious to everything- those days where he would walk hand-in-hand with Shiki? What is it he really wants? Joshua kissed Neku's fingers- as if to give them more warmth. Neku felt a tingling sensation when Joshua touches him, it was not disgust- the feeling was altogether pleasant, yet he knew he had felt it once. But he could never remember when.  
_

_"What are you doing, Josh?" Neku asks did not withdraw his hand.  
_

_"Comforting my proxy." Joshua simply said- he was stating the obvious. "Do you miss me, Neku?"  
_

_Neku had expected himself to lash out at Joshua when he entertains the idea of meeting him again- but this was the simple truth he was saying, any lies at this point would have been unforgivable. His voice came out in a hoarse croak.  
_

_"So much that i can die."  
_

_Joshua's eyes widened for a fraction of second, caught by surprise, yet he spoke suddenly- his voice oddly terse and harsh, his hands yanking Neku to the floor. "I don't want you to die, Neku dear. After all I've done, after all the arrangements, Shibuya was saved. And you were saved. You and your friends. I watch you everyday. You and that girl was very much in love." Joshua paused, "I-I'm happy, for you, i guess."  
_

_"I need you, Josh- you're the one i love." Neku admitted- there were no longer any hesitation in his voice- in that moment he felt enlightened. "I don't love her."  
_

_"Neku, my darling. You don't love me as I love you. More than anything, more than anyone. Before I would laugh when i see humans love each other- whispering meaningless sweet nothings on each others ear- that was very foolish. I would laugh at them for sacrificing themselves for something so worthless, yet now i understand. If for you, there was nothing i wouldn't do. You are my life- if you die, i would die too. I realize that now- with your life threading in such a precarious moment. I love you, Neku. I love you for existing, i love you for being here, i love you for being alive." Joshua spoke, his lips smashing Neku's his tongue threading on Neku's cold lip, forcing its way inside its cavities. Without him realizing it, Neku felt warm tears washing down his face, Joshua and him, they belong to each other.  
_

_"I'm in love with a ghost." Neku gasped, his sobs breaking through each broken kiss. "You know what Shiki told me- she said i was abnormal, because i couldn't love her. Because no matter what i do, my thoughts would simply return to you, that no matter how i try, i can't forget you. You, my teacher, the one who grants me everything and robbed me of everything. I love you, Josh."  
_

_"And i, i would watch the only man i love- kissing another girl and held hands with her, with a smile on his face. Neku, and i am even more pathetic than you." Joshua laughed, and they laughed together amidst their sobs.  
_

A sweaty hand yanked his headset open- his blue eyes flashed in surprise when he saw Beat- fuming with anger and fear and guilt. "Phones, it's a misunderstanding!"

"What is?" Neku looked at him panting, his body and shirt wet with sweat. This was the man who had kissed his girlfriend, once.

"Shiki- i forced her to kiss me. You shouldn't break up with her. She loves you." Beat shouted, his eyes clenching in pain. "She loves you more than anyone."

"No." Neku said, as if there was only one relevant point. "Not more than someone." There was another lonely god who wanted him, who loved him as selflessly as possible, the love that was so selfless that it was also viciously egoistic- the love that doesn't consider another's feelings for him. Neku is in love with a god.

"Phones- please. She's breaking without you. She can't stand it." Beat begged, his eyes pure with pain. "I love her, but she loves you. The guilt it breaking her to pieces, don't you care, phones? Ain't she your partner? Ain't she your girlfriend?"

_When i broke to pieces, do you even care? Do you even bat your eyelash to care for me? She's breaking, was i not too, right now?_

"You don't get it, Phones." Beat punched a nearby wall, Neku wonders if it hurts- whether it would leave a bruise. Yet he knew that he no longer cares. "you don't get how much she loves you- she cries every time she met you, because you looked at her, but you ain't looking at her. For God's sake, Phones!"

"Can i help it, Beat?" Neku felt his voice horribly different, it didn't sound tense, it was indifferent. "You love her. You would love her better than me- I'm abnormal, I'm sick, I'm in love with a ghost. Go and comfort her yourself."

A blinding pain knock him down- his cheek stinging with hot pain searing over it. Beat punched him- he was crying too.

"Fuck you, Phones. She's at the hospital now!"

And Neku's world seem to be shades of black and white.

"Shiki, she.":


End file.
